Jan 14, 2013
by Julie Jenks
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Moving forward, change, transformation, walking into the light out of the darkness. They all sound like tremendously wonderful things. I know change is coming. And I know change must take place. It has been coming and coming and coming. I avoid it. Because it is so scary. I know it must be. I know it must be done & that it will happen. And that it even is the best thing for me. But still, knowing that does not make it easy.
This huge change is in my life. It is a very big change. Sometimes I look forward to it. I have felt it for at least 2 to 3 years. I know it in my soul.
At first I battled with it so terribly. That divorce is so terrible and so sinful. It tore me up inside so badly. But now after a couple of years of looking at, of really seeing what my marriage is like. And that I do not like it. This is not the life that I want. This is not the way that I want to feel. And if something doesn't feel right. How can changing it be wrong. I am so thankful that I have found serenity in an old religion. That I have learned so much in the last 2 years about religion and spirituality.
It can not possibly be right to stay in a love-less, sex-less, uncaring relationship. How can that be right? How can it be right or healthy to stay in a situation just because it is written so. That no matter what woman must stay with her husband or suffer some sort of eternal damnation. ha! I am so glad to be free of that thinking.
I am done coming last. Not being thought of, thought about, considered.
For the first time in my life I know what I want. I want to live by myself, in peace, quiet, tranquility, harmony, positive energy. To keep living as I do now. As I have lived, is to be kept a prisoner down in a dark cold lonely dungeon. All alone. No one to hear me. No one to see me. No one to understand what I feel, to feel as I do.
I just have to break free for myself. I know so many people will not understand. I know my husband will not understand, and will think I'm a terribly self centered thoughtless person. And will think that I have been using him. But that's okay. He can think those things. He is entitled to his feelings. Just as I am entitled to mine, and to be happy and to live my life for myself...
Blessed Be ~ Bright Blessings )O(