May 9, 2012

Compelled...

Feeling compelled to do some blogging today, to put thoughts to written word....
St. John's Wort



Feeling sad. Maybe I don't have all of my energy back yet from being sick over the weekend. Horribly headaches that sent me to the hospital. oh horray. More bills. A shot of toradol, (sp?) and phenergan, and 2 oral valiums.

Anyway, thats not what I wanted to journal about today. I feel heavy. Like heart heavy. Dragged down. It's like everything that can go wrong, IS! My St. John's Wort I was so excited to grown and was so excited it was actually a herb that is something I need. It's often used for depression.

I was so excited to start my Passion Parties business. It's like every time I'm so excited and positive about something. Then, I get sick. Like I used up all of my life force . Thats just crazy. I just spent 3 days in bed, and hubby took me to the hospital on Sunday because I couldnt take the head pain any longer. I thought that it was my job making me so sick. That it was my job that was keeping me exhausted so that I couldnt have the time or energy to put into passion parties. But I've been gone from my job now probably 2 weeks. And nothing grand has happened.

Maybe I am not putting in enough effort. In magick, you get out what you put in. So maybe I am not putting in as much as I could.

I don't have a home base to evolve my business from. Usually people start with their home circle. Friends and family. But what if a person doesnt have that. My friends have not been supportive. The way I see it, they have not been there for me. Maybe I'm just a joke to them. Just someone to have some laughs with.  I hand out my business cards almost everywhere I go.  An order from A&W - gal bringing order gets a card. Go to Albertson's - put up a pull tab ad. Hmmmm maybe I should of cut those tabbies myself *lol*

It feels like I'm holding back a little though. What am I so afraid of? I'm not handing out photos of myself posing for porn! *ugh* Maybe I need to clear out the negativity from my life. Maybe I haven't let go of the past. Therefore not able to prosper in the here and now.  Perhaps I thought it would be simple and fun and that the success would come so easy.

So, so far I've come up with The Understanding:
  1. holding on to past anger with my latest nursing job. That must be let go and burned to ash during a waning moon.
  2. I feel badly that I was acting egotistical back in February and acting like being a consultant would be so easy. I think maybe I feel like I don't deserve the success that I want. Because I unfairly judged others.
The Plan
  1. Clear my home of negativity from hostile feelings during the 4 months I worked in Powell as a CNA & perhaps everyone always asking about why I left my other job of 6 years probably brought up bad negative feeling as well. 
  2. I will use california white sage smudge stick through my entire home. Also need to come up with a rhyming quatrain to chant.
  3. I will then do a ritual to release all of the negativity from my mind, body, and soul

Wyoming Big Horn Mountains

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