Don't Understand this Sadness...

I should be so much happier than what I am. I don't know whats wrong with me though. I can't even recognize growth and accomplishment when I have it. I drove to Billings, Montana for the 1st time for a Passion Party. And I got orders. So that is a good good thing. I freaking drove to Billings. I went through with it. I didn't cancel. I didn't get scared and back out. I went through with it. I conquered it! That is huge personal growth. I do not drive anywhere I am not 100% familiar with. I live in a very small town. I don't ever drive into the big cities. That kind of anxiety has held me back in my life. Maybe I just have too much that I'm worried and scared about right now. And can't see the good things that are happening. I've been living off of my retirement and workers deferred compensation benefits for over a year now that  I accumulated while being a state employee for 6 years. That is all now gone and so the pressure is really on.

I'm in home healthcare now. But not making as much as what I've become accustom to. I was expecting this huge instant success in my Passion Parties business. But it hasn't happened for me this way. I keep telling myself its like magick. I will get out of it, what I put in to it. I havent been putting in enough effort, to receive the results that I'm wanting.

Finances have become so desperate now that I have to cancel all my monthly automated payments. My checking account was enormously overdrawn a few days ago. And its not that I'm spending money that I don't have. It is online automatic payments through paypal. So I'll have to cancel my forum I love. that is $60.00 a month (ning.com forum) http://thewitchesgarden.ning.com and my website for passion parties has a shopping cart on it. So, now I'll have to downgrade my site until I can rightfully afford it. *sigh* Passion Parties by Julie. I can't do anything about my prescriptions I have to have. I can't go without my imitrex (for migraines), can't go w/out my anti-depressant! Now I'm being treated for an ulcer & H-pylori. One of the h-pylori meds are $100.00!!! In November my husband will have the opportunity to add me onto his insurance. But I'm sure I'll have to hear about how that is going to cost him more money.... *ugh!* I feel like such a burden, not being able to pay my own way. I haven't had to rely on someone else money-wise for a long time. I do not like feeling like this at all!!

                                                                               siggie a gift from my pixel sis Jacqui