Jul 2, 2012

Defeated Again

Feeling defeated, beat-down, all alone & on the outside. For the past months I've been talking to the administrator of where I used to work. (a state retirement home) Left a year ago. And have been trying to go back. Brick wall, after brick wall, after brick wall. Why am I doing this to myself? Like the abused woman who just keeps going back to her abuse husband or boyfriend. Why does she go back? Not because she likes getting beaten up. But because go back to something familiar is so much easier than starting anew and unfamiliar path.

I've missed my support circle of friends so much. I did go out and work someplace else and it was horrible!! I want my life to be complete and put together again. I want to be thankful for all that I have. But I do need a job to pay my bills. And I can only do that as a CNA. And if I don't get back to work I'll loose my license. And I really don't want that to happen. Kind of feel like I am at a crossroads. But I don't know which was to go anymore. Feels like I just absolutely fail at everything I try to do.

I've also started doing some shadow work the past couple of weeks. In looking into my soul and the things that have happened in life. My sister and I talked for nearly 3 hours yesterday. And I feel like I accomplished a lot! A lot of really really meaningful work.

Love & Light to all


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